Jennifer Villamere

Congratulations! You're having a Goldfish cracker.

2011-09-23T19:00:00.001-04:00

I can't say I'm surprised. Image by Crowbeak.Sasquatch via FlickrI don't want to tell people I'm pregnant before my first ultrasound because I don't want to tempt fate.

Even though I've taken, like, three pregnancy tests plus my doctor said I was for sure pregnant, you can never be too sure.

At the ultrasound, they could tell you that your guts are all full of amniotic fluid and pregnancy hormone but there's just a bunch of cysts and. No baby.

Your body's faking pregnancy.

Sucker.

Also: they could reveal that there is a baby in the fluid-filled fetal sac, but it's ectopic and now you are both going to explode and die.

There are all kinds of shitty scenarios that could come to light at the first ultrasound which could result in you having to turn around and revoke your pregnancy announcement and then people will think you're sterile and/or that you were just looking for attention.

And that you're an even bigger weirdo than they thought.

I'm afraid that they're going to tell me that my pregnancy is progressing quite nicely, that I'm pukey all day cause my hormones are totally kicking ass and they've helped me build one hell of a placenta, my boobs constantly feel like they've just been punched because my body's naturally preparing to nurture my offspring, and that the amniotic fluid surrounds the all-important baby.

But it is a baby goldfish.

And I look up on the monitor to see the ultrasound picture, and there it all is, my uterus, the sac, the fluids and shit, and then just a goldfish cracker.

And I say "Mmm. Looks tastee."

My husband's there, too. And the drive home is awkward.

I'm not ignoring you.

2011-09-22T17:04:00.002-04:00

I'm pregnant.

Don't worry. I won't bore you with the details. Very often.

Hump day studs: Shoot 'em up edition

2011-09-07T18:40:00.000-04:00

Hey pervert,

I see you've come here seeking studs on hump day.

But what I've got for you instead is, like, 10 times more friggin' awesome!

What the eff are those, you ask?
Well, let me explain to my non-redneck friends that those are stud earrings à la Winchester 38 Special bullet casings.

The casings are genuine brass, which makes 'em klassy.

Genuine Winchester 38 Special brass bullet casing stud earrings, $17.50 USD, available on Etsy.

Hump Day studs: Luxury edition

2011-08-24T20:45:00.000-04:00

Hey perv,

What's better than a cool, rich stud?

Yes, that's right: A pair of cool, rich studs.

Stirling silver and turquoise Elsa Peretti® Cabochon by the Yard earrings, $480 CND in-store or online at Tiffany and Co.

Did you know that if you do a Google Image search for the term "cool rich stud," you get a picture of this guy?

Seriously.

Who do you think of when you think of "cool, rich stud?" Nicolas Cage, right?

Now you'll want this hoodie dress

2011-08-21T21:01:00.000-04:00

OK, technically, it's a tunic but I'm short so it practically drags on the floor behind me and totally qualifies as a dress.

You can do so much with cozy garment:

Sleep in it
Wear it to work
Sleep in it and then wear it to work
Throw on some aviators, put up the hood, and then skulk around Unabomber-style
Nap in it

Erica Slouch Hooded Tunic, $88 CND, online or in-store at Roots.

Does your place of employment allow you to wear sweat pants to work? (And if so, are they hiring?)

Oh, you have to read this: The history and mystery of the high five

2011-08-16T20:18:00.000-04:00

Image by Holtsman via Flickr
I thought this piece by Jon Mooallem from the Aug. 8, 2011 issue of ESPN The Magazine was going to be an uproarious pop culture romp with a tone to match the irreverence of the topic.

What I got instead was a dramatic tale of hoaxes, homophobia and fallen heros.

Oh, you have to read this:

"Magic Johnson once suggested that he invented the high five at Michigan State. Others trace it to the women's volleyball circuit in the 1960s. But the (Basketball player Lamont) Sleets story quickly shot around the Internet and into local newspapers, displacing, or at least undermining, all other claims. Sleets was budging his way atop the high-five hierarchy.

When he answered my phone call, Sleets sounded tired. He was on his way to work, he said, and told me to try back at 4:30 that afternoon. So I did. But he never picked up my call again..."
Read the whole thing over on the ESPN site.

You may also enjoy:

Do you think reading should be abolished or are you OK with it?

Me be Mensa genius now

2011-08-05T12:07:00.001-04:00

Ever since I read David Sedaris going on about the genius club Mensa in Me Talk Pretty One Day, I've been thinking of taking the IQ test to see if I qualify to join.

IQ re-test
Sedaris and his booooyfriend took the test. Apparently, Sedaris is a Class A Moron but my curiosity was piqued when Sedaris' fella got a letter inviting him to take the test again 'cause he was just on the cusp of genius-ness and there are variables that can affect one's success on test day.

Faint hope clause
This is where I'd need to hang my (faint) hopes of entry.  

Huh? Image via Wikipedia

Working the leeway
In most everyday situations, there is leeway to bend the rules, but I didn't think this would be the case on a written multiple choice IQ test. I heavily rely on leeway in situations like when you are, say, returning jean shorts to Forever XXI when the receipt has been eaten by the rolling dumpster known as your car. Or when you waltz in to Starbucks, wink at the barista, and ask him what's free today.

Whether you're talking your way out of a speeding ticket or into a free beer, you can sway the outcome by:

Dressing like someone who's not homeless
Speaking articulately
Keeping your manners and swagger in a precarious balance
Making puppy dog eyes
Caking deodorant from your elbows to your ribcage to cover your natural stench
Wearing a full mask of makeup (tip: really work that wood filler into your acne scars).

In most everyday situations, the spew of lies delightfully emanating from your entire being can help to affect the outcome in your favour.

But in a written IQ test, these valuable strategies can't help you.

However!
Sedaris has opened my eyes to the possibility that there are variables that can affect the outcome of an IQ test in your favour. Influencers like levels of caffeine, fatigue, stress, anxiety, sinus congestion (I'm guessing here) can impact your result.

I'm going to play the odds and take my chances. I'll prepare by taking a bunch of practice IQ tests online (real practice tests, not those fakeries on Facebook that tell everyone they have an IQ of 130), just to get my head thinking in the same way as the asinine word puzzles I expect to see on the test.

Betting on perfection
If I can get just the right amount of sleep, the perfect amount of caffeine, the drunkest, most crack-addicted test marker, and if I have the slightest hope of cheating off the legitimate genius sitting next to me, I may have a whiff of a chance of making it into Mensa and then lording it over your head forever.

Dear red, ouchy, long-weekend sunburn,

2011-08-03T21:41:00.001-04:00

You've made your point. Now please elegantly fade into a dark, luxurious St. Tropez tan à la Bain de Soleil.

Oh, 1987. You're an idiot.

If only I had slathered on the ol' SPF 2, I wouldn't have the firey-red shoulders of Satan.

Do you blame yourself for your sunburns or do you blame Satan or, like, just the sun?

Hump day studs: Cluster edition

2011-07-27T22:49:00.000-04:00

Hey stud-seeking super-perv!

You get an exclamation point today.

Annnd these sparkly earrings from the amaze Kate Spade.

Kate Spade cluster studs. You're looking at clusters of faceted glass set in 14-karat light gold. These are $78 USD available online here, and maybe in-store at your fancy pants Holt Renfrew, too.

The word "cluster" always makes me think of gross things, like a cluster of earwigs or a cluster of blisters. What do you think of when you hear "cluster?" Leave a comment and let me know.

Also: Sweet hump day dreams to you. I hope from now on, when you hear "cluster," you'll think of studs.

Things that are too effeminate for my father: Slippers

2011-07-24T23:08:00.000-04:00

My dad got slippers for Christmas once. It was not his favourite gift.

My dad is not a slippers-wearer. Not loafers-style slippers, not Ugg-style (for sure, for sure), not slip-on, not even cozy socks. None of those things are ever happening.  

No. Image via Wikipedia

I presume this is for 3 reasons :

My father does not need creature comforts like the rest of us. He is tough in a mid-century way. Mid-19th century. 
My father believes in socks, particularly extra-scratchy wool work socks. For men.
The word itself is to effeminate for my dad. I can't even imagine him saying it.

"Slipperzzz."

"Thlippers."

Nope. Not for dad.

Things that are too effeminate for my dad: Reading novels

2011-07-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

I have never seen my father reading a book of any kind. I have seen him leaf through books, usually coffee table books, usually at someone's insistence, usually to be polite. My father is not a psychopath. My father is not illiterate. He's just not a reader. He's the most militant non-reader I've ever seen.

I know that he has read books for courses he has taken over the years but I have never seen him engaged in this activity. Perhaps he does the entirety of his reading in the bathroom. Whatever. Whatever. I'm not going to think about that.

Even so, I can say with some certainty that he has not read a novel if not ever, at least in the last 25 years. I have never heard him discus authors, recap a plot, speak of his interest in the latest bestseller or quote a favourite literary character.

Non-novel books I have known my father to read (complete list)

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Does your dad read? Like, does he read books?

This is what I imagine a Dad Book looks like. Image via Wikipedia

Britta? There's a Britta in the Palin family and she's pregnant?

2011-07-20T20:32:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaGawker sez:

"Sarah Palin is going to be a grandmother again. Eldest child Track Palin married high school sweetheart Britta Hanson two months ago, and now we hear that Britta is pregnant."

You can check out a pic of knocked-up "Britta Pie" here.

We can only fear for what the poor child will be named. Post a comment with your guess, k?

Things that are too effeminate for my dad: Drinking from straws

2011-07-13T21:16:00.000-04:00

Never once have I seen my dad drink through a straw.

Milkshakes? He takes the plastic lid off the DQ cup and drinks it straight.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "BULLSHIT." You're thinking he would get immediate, paralyzing tooth freeze, the brain freeze equivalent which front teeth are particularly susceptible to. But not so. Tooth freeze is too effeminate for my dad. My dad had his front teeth knocked out playing hockey. He has false front teeth which are impervious to tooth freeze.

My dad has particular distain for cocktail straws - the short, thin straws that come in his rum and Coke at restaurants. He removes them immediately and tosses them on the table with digust, as if his drink had come garnished with a urinary cathadar.

I'm on vacashun

2011-07-04T11:08:00.000-04:00

In my absence, enjoy this video of the NYPD setting off 5,000 pounds of confiscated fireworks.

There should be a fireworks channel in the same vein as the aquarium channel and the fireplace channel, right?

Asshat alert: Shia LaBeouf can make you feel less terrible

2011-06-28T18:16:00.002-04:00

If you're like me, you say dumb things all day, every day. Luckily, the press doesn't report it. This is not so for ~~actor~~ asshat Shia LaBeouf.

Image via Wikipedia

Indiana Jones sucks
LaBeouf got his big break in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, then said the movie sucked. "When you drop the ball, you drop the ball," he said at the time.

Han Solo's got my back
Asshat then tells Aaron Gell at Details that Harrison Ford backed him up on his Crystal Skull critique. According to a Details cover story:

"Ford recalls the conversation differently. "I think I told him he was a fucking idiot.""

The Megan Fox affair
In the same interview, LaBeouf is asked if he had an affair with his Transformers co-star Megan Fox:

"LaBeouf nods affirmatively. "...But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen."

When I inquire about Fox's status at the time with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, LaBeouf replies, "I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. . . ."—repeating the phrase exactly 12 times with various intonations, as if trying to get it just right.

Finally, he says, "It was what it was.""

I cringe for Shia LaBeouf. But the terrible things he says make me feel less terrible about the terrible things I say.

The best part
K, this post is about Asshat LaBeouf, who scored with Megan Fox, who is married to Brian Austen Green, and that's enough of a connection for me to include this fine film for you.

Is this the best video you've ever seen all day?

Now you'll want this deer pendant necklace

2011-06-28T15:56:00.000-04:00

Perfect for Canada Day, this necklace will put the "deer" in your "deer, beer and cheer" this July 1.

Hey, look, I'm playing photographer today! Cliiiiick.

And you can get it for two Toonies

K, two Toonies plus tax. It's $3.98 CND. Cuckoo times, right? Loonie, loonie times. It's in-store or online at Forever 21.

Are you also tempted to buy 100 of them and sell them at a markup on Ebay?

Fix Rumer: A whole blog devoted to Photoshopping Rumer Willis

2011-06-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

As I am Googling pics of photoshopped celebs, as I am wont to do because their "before" photos make me feel better about my gross self, I come across this:

It's a whole blog dedicated to Photoshopping pics of Rumer Willis. It's called Fix Rumer: Creating unrealistic standards for unfortunate celebrities. But really it's just one unfortunate celebrity: Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.

Is this the meanest art form you've ever seen in your life? Or are you too distracted to consider the question because you're consumed by hating yourself for laughing?

"Hey, do you like Starbucks?"

2011-06-20T21:11:00.000-04:00

There's a douche sitting across from me on the subway in a Starbucks-green polo shirt, drinking a Starbucks, eating some nonsense from Starbucks and using his iPhone 4, which is inexplicably clad in a Starbucks skin.

I really want to ask him "Hey, do you like Starbucks?"

Would that be more obnoxious or less obnoxious than snapping his photo?

#thatsmydad: Saddest Twitter trend ever

2011-06-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Father's Day is this Sunday, so it's only natural that something like #thatsmydad is trending on Twitter tonight.

I tweeted: "Best dad ever in the world of all time? #thatsmydad"

Then I started reading the other tweets in the trend, anticipating some heartwarming cheese. Boy. Was I. Sorry.

If you're looking to have a good cry, enjoy these:

@devinwalexander leave before im even born. #thatsmydad

@VanityJay Dude we see every now and then and still live with his momma #thatsmydad

@__True: #thatsmydad ain't there for me. never wants to send a quick call or text... pretty much acts like I don't exist.. #thatsmydad

@CrazyassMadea: Let me spell the ghetto version of dad ... - N E V E R M E T H I M #thatsmydad

@stfu_KEKEtalkin: the one who claim he gne change everytime he in jail but b wit da same dum shyt wen he out #ThatsMyDad

@AyeDaddyDiamond: The Person who made me fell like shit so much , that i wanted to do suicide #ThatsMyDad

@Obey_Nadyaaa: the reason why i started doing drugs #ThatsmyDad .;p

@its_NOOCH_duh lie about everything #thatsmydad

@ImSoCelebrity: Facebook request denied. Requested again. Denied. Requested Again. Just let him sit there pending. Yep #ThatsMyDad

@_DaddyCushh: the person i have NO love towards . . . #ThatsMyDad

@pleasesaymikey always saying he gonna give me some money but dont and dont respond to my calls #thatsmydad

@Dhasze2FckinRaw The Person Who Always Lets Me Down #ThatsMyDad

@SydneyLeeH He was my best friend RIP <3 #thatsmydad

Are you bawling your eyes out now or just having a pretty, dainty cry?

Now you'll want these fruit shoes

2011-06-12T17:48:00.000-04:00

Carmen Miranda would love these fruit slice heels from Jeffrey Campbell.

I know what you're wondering:

1. Who the eff is Carmen Miranda?
2. Where can I see these shoes in real life?

K, Carmen Miranda is that woman who wore the fruit hats:

This. Image via Wikipedia

And! You can find these shoes for $169 USD at Urban Outfitters in-store or online.

Have you ever seen anyone slip on a banana peel in real life?

Now you'll want these wedge sandals

2011-06-06T22:12:00.000-04:00

How smart are these?

Check out these Kenneth Cole Reaction cedar T-strap wedges. Handsome. Practical. And. On sale. These are $110 CAD on sale for $49.99 in-store and online at Gravity Pope.

The catch
They're only available in size 10.

Have you ever bought the wrong sized shoes just because they were a good deal?

Hump Day studs: Crazy-assed shit edition

2011-06-01T22:21:00.001-04:00

Hey pervert,

You know how it goes. It's Wednesday. It's Hump Day. I post about stud earrings. You come here because you're all 'verty and looking for studly fellas.

Anyway. Here we go:

Love, love love the colour of these Jean Schlumberger Five Leaves spessartite stud earrings. Pavé diamonds surround spessartites in a floral motif. Super-cute.

Crazy-assed shit
These pierced earrings are $142,000 CND at Tiffany & Co. in store or by special order.

What you could get instead:

This adorable two bedroom, two bathroom home in a gentrifying section of Hamilton, Ontario. Open concept, new hardwood, new furnace, new roof, large kitchen, deck, yard, parking, outdoor kitchen, pool.

Pool, bitches.

It's MLS # H3057093 and it's listed for $139,900 CND.

Say you've got $140,000 CND in your pocket. Which would you buy?

Bear in a Jacuzzi [VIDEO]

2011-06-01T21:28:00.001-04:00

As advertised.

Here. Is a bear in a Jacuzzi.

Did you know that "Jacuzzi" is a brand name, like "Kleenex" or "Band-Aid?" That's why "Jacuzzi" gets a capital "J".

Who is Sean Kingston and why is he trending on Twitter?

2011-05-30T20:35:00.003-04:00

Sean Kingston was trending on Twitter this aft and I was, like, "Who's that?"

I'm an old and I don't know things.

Twitter indicated he's a singer who crashed his jet ski.

It's this guy. Whatever that means. Image via Wikipedia

I went to cbc.ca/news to find out how olds like me would report the news. Like, with antiquated notions such as the inverted pyramid structure, potentially verified facts and objective reportage.

CBC reported:

"... Kingston and a female passenger were injured when the watercraft hit the Palm Island Bridge around 6 p.m. Sunday ...

Kingston rose to fame with his 2007 hit Beautiful Girls and was also featured on songs by other artists, including Justin Bieber's Eenie Meenie...

Bieber sent well wishes via Twitter on Sunday, saying, “got my friend @seankingston in my prayers tonight. a true friend and big bro. please keep him in your prayers tonight as well.”"

Why is he trending on Twitter?
The Bieber connection explains why he's trending on Twitter. Beliebers own Twitter. Anything Bieber tweets is tweeted and retweeted ad infinitum.

K, so I solved the mystery of who this dude is and why he's trending.

New mystery
Who are the assholes who are commenting on news articles on cbc.ca/news?

The comments on the CBC Sean Kingston article are ridic:

DavidJamieson says:

"Shouldn't this headline be: "Random nobody who made a try at purchasing stardom a few years back commits idiotic maneuver and messes himself and someone else up in the doing" with a by-line about a 2 headed goat being born in Neepawa Manitoba..."

Also: to clarify - a byline indicates the name and position of the writer of the article. I will forever wonder if DavidJamieson is aware of this.

geogeo1111 says:

"He hit a brige!!! Really…??? Who the Heck doesn't see a bridge!!! What an idiot!!!! Female passenger… why didn't she pipe up and say..oh hey there is a bridge coming up… both are idiots!!!! Geeze... hope he drives a car safer!!! Next thing he will hear he hit a brick wall!!! Maybe he didn't see it!!!! God!! Get glasses… either that or he did it On purpose so he could get another 15mins of fame!!!! "

Exclamation point, indeed.

Yankies says:

"Sad to someone hurt. But what a horrible stage performer. Get well, but don't go on tour, please."

Literally adding insult to injury. Literally.

Do you think these people are a delight in real life because they get all the douche out of their system online?

Now you'll want these boots

2011-05-24T19:07:00.000-04:00

Roots W Roll Over Boot in Tribe leather. Yes, at $248 CND, these are, like, the most expensive boots ever made. But also the most handsomest, yes? And look: you can roll them down.

I know you're thinking boots are dumb in May and it's time for sandals.

But here are three reasons you still need boots:

You want to avoid getting mosquito bites between your toes during campfires at dusk.
Even though it's summer, you still have to take public transit. Do you really want to wear open toe anything on the subway?
If you're like most people, your feet are gross and boots let you hide your toe hair/super-long third toe/grandma bunions away safely from the public's prying eyes.

Have you ever been bitten between the toes on the subway?

Vert alert: Arnold Schwarzenegger is a dirtbag

2011-05-17T21:05:00.003-04:00

Perverts. Did you know we're calling them 'verts now? Anyhoo ...

Today, TMZ reports:

"Arnold has now come forward and revealed he did indeed have a baby with a member of his household staff approximately 10 years ago, and finally revealed the secret to Maria after he left the governor's office this past January.

Now our sources say there were other women -- at least two of whom repeatedly came to his office ... and would spend hours there ... there were several bedrooms in the suite where they would go."

Say it with me: "Ew." Image via Wikipedia

From Steve Lopez's column in today's LA Times:

"Hey, we’re all weak and we all make mistakes. But a domestic, under his own roof? Among other issues, that’s just lazy.

I would have thought it would be hard for Mr. Universe to top his 2003 confession that he was a serial groper. Now I’m wondering if there’s anything else we should know."

We've heard the salacious rumours of a scandal still unravelling. We've heard the cynical humour. And now, thanks to a cutting editorial in today's LA Times, here comes the bitter anger:

"There is sexual infidelity and there is sexual harassment. The two behaviors are not the same. The first is an abuse of trust, the second an abuse of power. Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to both.

When he first ran for governor ... Schwarzenegger was dogged by allegations of sexual harassment — of having groped more than a dozen women over the years who did not want his attention and who were humiliated and angered.

During the campaign, he vaguely admitted to "behaving badly" and said that if there were people out there whom he had offended, he was sorry. It may have helped him politically to say that, but what may have helped even more was his wife's staunch defense of him.

In an address to a conservative women's group shortly after the allegations were published in The Times, Maria Shriver said in a steely voice that "you can listen to people who have never met Arnold or who met him for five seconds 30 years ago. Or you can listen to me." The voters elected him in a landslide."

Would you rather
Would you rather your husband publicly betray and humiliate you, or would you rather . . . hmm. It's tough to think up another option that might be as bad.

OK! Got it!

Public betrayal and humiliation OR your husband tells you he's gone gay and it's your fault. Which would you rather?

The stripy mug is the new red mitts

2011-05-16T20:28:00.004-04:00

During the Olympics last year, I went to a bazillion Bay stores trying to secure a pair of red mittens. The less available they were, the more I wanted them. As the Olympics wore on, there was not a pair to be had in store or online. (I ended up getting a pair off eBay.)

Mittens make you happy.
Image by Getty Images via @daylife

This mug is the new red mittens

Last week, I determined that this specific mug would replace my SpongeBob SquarePants mug at the office.

Unavailable
In the past two days, I have been to three Bay stores to secure this handsome stripy mug. And three times, I have left empty-handed. It is not even available online anymore.

At each store, I asked a cashier about the mugs. Here's a recap of the mundane info I learned:

The Bay on Guelph Line received only five mugs. All were purchased quickly. (Why'd they get five? Wouldn't people buy a set of four or eight? Jerks.)
The mugs are on 'auto-reorder' at The Bay in Hamilton. Whatever that means.
The Mapleview Mall Bay lady told me they went quick because they were on sale this weekend. Saaale. That info was like salt on my wound.

When you can't get it, does it make you want it even more?

The latest Palin news: Bristol's new chin, Levi's new book cover (is awesome)

2011-05-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

Bristol Palin got a chin implant -- or, as she's referring to it, "corrective jaw surgery." Check out before and after pictures here.

May her new chin bring her, like, newfound happiness or something. *Sigh.*

In related news, Bristol's baby daddy, Levi Johnston, has revealed the cover design for his upcoming tell-all, Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs.

Behold:

This is for real. This is a real thing. It will be available September 27, but you can pre-order it now.

Which is weirder: the new chin or this book cover situation?

The latest in perfume: You smell like pee. I mean tea. Tea.

2011-05-10T19:37:00.002-04:00

The Globe and Mail reported this weekend that tea fragrances are a hot trend:

"Think about a steaming pot of Earl Grey with its bouquet of bergamot ... The petite yellow flowers of the camomile plant are the olfactory equivalent of a soothing bedtime story ...

So it’s no surprise that, among the spring offerings from fragrance line Jo Malone, is a collection of scents designed with tea in mind."

K, sounds nice. I'm on board.

But! Be sure to buy legit perfumes
As Harpar's Bazaar reported last year, counterfeit fragrances can deliver more than you bargained for:

"Fakes have been found to contain contaminated alcohol, antifreeze, urine, and harmful bacteria."

This is not eau de toilette. Image via Wikipedia

Are you going to wear (legitimate!) tea-scented perfumes this season?

And if so, are you hoping they will mask the scent of pee that seems to always be following you around?

The fifth mug

2011-05-07T11:19:00.000-04:00

A lot of ~~smart-asses~~ valued readers have told me that my post, 5 mugs that will make you look like a grown-up in meetings, contains only four mugs.

I should take this opportunity to confess to you that my forte isn't math (and to me, math encompasses counting).

I think I had originally planned to include the mug that I actually intended to buy, but then I realized that it didn't fit into my editorial set up of super-obnoxious over-priced mugs.

Anyway. Here's the fifth mug:

Handsome, no? This is the Hudson's Bay Company's multi-stripe ceramic mug. Solid. Professional. Serious. Attractive. And the best part? $5 CND. Available in-store or online.

Do you think I'll accidentally break it the first time I use it or the second?

The new Lady Gaga video: What do you think?

2011-05-05T12:13:00.001-04:00

It's the new Lady Gaga video, 'Judas.'

Do you love it or are you just OK with it?

5 mugs that will make you look like a grown-up in meetings

2011-05-02T21:23:00.001-04:00

As I sauntered into yet another meeting this morning equipped with my SpongeBob SquarePants mug, it occurred to me that this dumb mug may be impacting my perceived professionalism.

Need a mug upgrade?
Here are some ridonkulously-priced options that could make you look like a big, fancy important grown-up in meetings instead of a frosh week holdover:

Hermes continental porcelain mug, $165 USD (about $156 CND).

Tiffany wildflowers mugs, $180 CND for four.

Harrods linear 22kt gold stripe teacup & saucer, £72.95 GBP (about $135 CND).

Lady Haviland gold engraved teacup and saucer, €337.50 (about $474 CND).

Which mug would you like to stroll into a meeting with?

3 quick requests for the next royal wedding

2011-04-29T10:43:00.001-04:00

1. Holiday for the Commonwealth
The big day needs to be a national holiday in Canada. Start petitioning Prime Minister Layton now.

2. Think of poor Pastor Mansbridge
Wedding needs to take place in the afternoon, at the earliest. Who gets married at 11 a.m.? Poor Peter Mansbridge has been broadcasting live on CBC since 2 a.m.

3. Skins
Prince Harry not allowed to wear a shirt.

Other than that, this royal wedding was really good and nice. Did you love it or are you a terrorist?

4 best bandages to cover that gaping wound on your face

2011-04-27T20:20:00.002-04:00

Last week, I had a cyst problem that required me to wear a bandage on my face.

Here are some of the bandage options I evaluated:

1. Tastee bandages

The most delicious bandages around. My nightmares are inspired by imagining what the free prize contained within might be.

$4.95 US at neatoshop.com. (They ship to Canada for the same fee as to a US destination. Free shipping on Canuck orders $75 and up. But that's a lot of bandages.)

2. Wise old bandages

Having to wear a bandage on your face makes you look like an idiot, but associating yourself with owls makes you seem smart.

Available in-store or online at Urban Outfitters, $7 CND.

3. Hipster bandage

Because hipsters love their mustaches. And I love jokes about free mustache rides.

When I get a cyst on my upper lip (which will inevitably happen), I will rock one of these for sure. See you on the subway!

$7 CND in-store and online at Urban Outfitters.

4. Dilly of a pickle

I think these would look really nice on my arm. I think they'd look extra-alarming on anyone's face. I wish they were scented!

Also: these include a free toy, which spooks me.

$4.95 US at neatoshop.com (cheap shipping to Canada).

Which bandage would you choose to wear on your face for a week?

3 best smoothies to put in your mouth

2011-04-25T20:24:00.000-04:00

A smoothie is a drink. There are certain things that don't belong in drinks and therefore should not be in smoothies. These items include:

Peanut butter
Tofu
Quick cooking rolled oats

This is not a drink. Image via Wikipedia

I have trolled the internet sourcing smoothie recipes that exclude these and other offensive ingredients. I present to you with three smoothie recipes fit for consumption:

Canadian Living's Morning Mango Smoothie
Features mangos. And nothing weird. Intro reads:
"This starter smoothie has 34 per cent of the recommended daily intake of calcium for growing healthy bones. Better yet, it has nothing weird that will turn off picky kids."
Or picky grown-ups.
Best Health's Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie
Intro states:
"This refreshing strawberry yogurt smoothie takes only a few minutes to prepare."
Clean and hull 4 cups of strawberries in only a few minutes? LIARS. Still. Time spent is probably worth it. How else you going to spend your time? Giggling through another episode of Family Feud?

Whatever. You can probably do both at the same time. Now you're multitasking!
Martha Stewart's Pineapple-Banana Smoothie

Are you ever going to make any of these smoothies or are you just going to fantasize about being the kind of healthy, well-adjusted, productive person who drinks a lot of smoothies and doesn't have a secret crush on Steve Harvey?

Levi Johnston to pen Palin expose

2011-04-25T18:58:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaThere is a god.

Sexy dumb-dumb Levi Johnson, estranged father to Sarah Palin's grandchild, will "write" a "book."

You can get a taste of Johnson's sophistimacated prose in this '09 Vanity Fair piece, Me and Mrs. Palin which is written in his own dumb-dumb words.

You won't believe the title
OK, besides the promise of awkward revelations and an exuse for more smug headshaking, the sweetest part of this book announcement is the title:

Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs

Seriously. I checked this out on The Daily Mail and Us Magazine. This is not from The Onion.

Will you read this book?

While you were busy Good Fridaying, Lilo was sentenced to jail

2011-04-22T21:05:00.002-04:00

This is re: that necklace she (allegedly? do I still have to say allegedly?) stole. 120 days in jail. Plus! community service at the morgue.

K, here's the deets:

Gawker reports:

"Even though the felony theft charge against Lindsay Lohan was reduced to a misdemeanor during a preliminary hearing earlier today, the judge did rule that the fallen starlet had violated her probation.

And now Judge Stephanie Saunter has handed down her punishment, sentencing LiLo to 120 days in county jail."

And! A new mugshot is pending. Image via Wikipedia

TMZ (pronouced: "Temz") sez:

"Lindsay has been remanded into custody and taken to the basement of the courthouse for booking. Lindsay's lawyer has said she'll appeal, which means Lindsay is entitled to post bail.

Lohan was also ordered to complete 480 hours of community service -- 360 of those hours must be performed at the Downtown Women's Center, so Lindsay can see how needy women have to live. The remaining 120 hours will be served at the L.A. County morgue.

Judge Sautner explained that Lindsay should have called the store and notified the owners about the necklace sooner. She waited several weeks and returned the necklace after finding out the cops were about to raid her house."

Am I mistaken in assuming you didn't spend Good Friday trolling the gossip sites?

Hump day studs

2011-04-20T22:17:00.004-04:00

Hey Verty McPerv,

I see you've come looking for F-I-N-E hump day studs.

You're in luck!

Delightful stud earrings
Delicate, feminine, perfect for spring: These adorable vintage-style miniature ivory rose earrings are sure to class-up any ensemble.

These are Canadian-made by Jane of Jacaranda Designs Jewelry of Oakville. Her Etsy shop is chock-full of charming jewelry at ridiculously reasonable prices.

And they're just $12 USD. That's cuckoo. That's, like, $11.40 CDN. Plus, for a limited time, you can use coupon code HEARTSY and receive 25 per cent off. Srsly.

Are you an Etsy shopper yet?

6 reasons why having a cyst removed is awesome

2011-04-19T19:40:00.001-04:00

I suddenly had to have a cyst removed today. From my face. It sucked, but here are six reasons why it is also awesome:

Camoflage
Giant bandage on my face means I'll totally blend in on the subway.
Loafing
I get to miss work next week to have the stitches removed.
Mystery solved
Now I'll know why everyone's staring at me. I usually think it's 'cause my fly is down and/or I have ink all over my face. Now I can relax and assume all stares are bandage-related.
Sleeping in
Morning grooming routine will be shortened — why spend time perfectly applying red lipstick when it will only draw attention to the wad of gauze taped to my chin?
More chocolate
Easter Bunny is bound to leave sympathy eggs.
Reputation enhancement
I'm for sure telling everyone the stitches are from either a knife fight or a high-sticking incident. Obviously.

Which sounds cooler: knife fight or hockey incident?

Poll reveals Labatt 50 is the most delicious beverage ever

2011-04-17T21:45:00.003-04:00

No surprise here. My recent poll reveals Labatt 50 is easily the best beverage ever:

Image by fragmented via Flickr

History of 50
All hail John and Hugh Labatt, grandsons of founder John K. Labatt. These cousins launched Labatt 50 in 1950 to commemorate 50 years of partnership.

It was the first light ale in Canada and the nation's best-selling beer until 1979 when it lost this status to the relative swill that is Labatt's Blue.

This video has awesome comments on YouTube, including:

"No Aids, no internet, all they had back then was beer and boat orgies."
- megaforcemedia

"That's some pretty bad acting with the bass player. He looks like he's having a seizure up there, but as soon as he gets his hands on a bottle of beer, he's back to normal."
- phillydisco

Have you had a beer-related seizure today?

Terrible William & Kate movie promises to be awesome

2011-04-16T16:16:00.004-04:00

The Daily Mail reports:

"There are already hundreds of tacky royal wedding memorabilia on sale - but a made-for-TV film telling the story of William and Kate's romance could trump the lot in the bad-taste stakes.

The critics say it's so bad, it's good - and it could even have the royal couple themselves reaching for the popcorn for a viewing.

Although I doubt it. Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Movie critics have given the film an damning verdict, and have certainly not minced their words. 'So bad it's awful, toe-curlingly, teeth-furringly, pillow-bitingly ghastly,' said The Guardian newspaper.

Andrew Billen writing in The Times says the movie is 'glorious kitsch' that's 'too ridiculous to offend'.

American critics have lambasted it, too, describing it as one of the cheesiest movies ever made."

This. Sounds. Awesome.
Here's the trailer for William & Kate: The Movie

Is this the best thing you've seen all day or ever?

Book pitch: Banana Phone - The Untold Story

2011-04-16T09:32:00.004-04:00

Banana phones have captured the imagination of millions over the past century. Now, for the first time, this book presents an in-depth investigation into the source of the banana phone's awesome.

Potential research interviews

Kevin Bundy, physical comedy specialist and faculty member of Humber College's Comedy Writing & Performance program.
Raffi, who released the song Bananaphone in 1994.
Representative from Big Mouth Toys, wholesale sellers of the banana phone handset.
Children, because I think they can honestly reveal to us why the banana phone is always hilarious.
W.T. Snacks, who sparked the banana phone internet meme with this video in 2004.
Jonti Picking, who contributed to the meme with this fine badger-related banana phone video:

Potential audience

Children
Stoners
You (Seriously. You can't tell me you don't want to have a looksee at this book.)

Would you be more likely to buy this book for yourself or give it as a gift?

My dogs are cuter than your dogs [PHOTO]

2011-04-14T22:20:00.008-04:00

Looks comfy. I wonder if my husband will let me sleep with my feet on his neck.

Does causing someone discomfort enhance your own sense of comfort? Or is that little Beulah dog just a jerk?

2 new banana phone facts

2011-04-14T21:38:00.005-04:00

1. Last Thursday, I pledged to procure a banana phone. FACT: The banana phone is now in my possession.

Pretending a banana is a phone is always hilarious. Now I don't have to pretend!

2. FACT: It is larger than anticipated. It's, like, the size of a real banana, not some plastic novelty banana. Very realistic!

Banana phone hunting

Also! Have you heard this delightful banana phone song before? Enjoy.

Would you feel comfortable talking on the banana phone in public?

Hump day studs

2011-04-13T21:33:00.003-04:00

Hey pervert,

You've come here looking for studs, eh?

What would your mother think?

Stud earrings
I'm no pearl expert, but this seems like a good deal for a pair of freshwater pearl studs. These pearl earrings from Banana Republic are available online and in-store for $40 CND.

You know who loves you in pearls? Mom. And you know if you order these today you'll have them in time for Mother's Day. It's a gift for you that you can convince yourself is a gift for her.

Ordering online?
Banana Republic does free shipping for orders over $50, so you better add this to your cart to get you over the hump.

Jeweled pinwheel bracelet

Oh, that is just handsome. And! Frugal. $45 on sale for $19.99 CND. Your mother will be so proud.

Do you like dressing up in grown-up laydee jewelry?

Best ad ever of the day

2011-04-12T21:15:00.001-04:00

The headline on the front page of Metro this morning reminded me of my favourite ad ever of the day.

Today's Metro

Ahahaha pork.

Best ad ever of the day

Ahahaha pork.

Pork. Does it ever get old?

In between days: Roll Up The Rim ends, playoffs not yet underway

2011-04-12T09:36:00.003-04:00

Today's a day of waiting. It's a glitch in spring's continuity where the harbinger of spring, Roll Up The Rim, has ended. But the playoffs, which deliver us safely onto summer, have not yet begun.

Give friends and colleagues some space durring this stressful day, which is traditionally associated with temporal insomnia, insanity and various "magical phenomena" such as lycanthropy (think: Teenwolf). Approach pets with caution as dog bites are twice as likely to occur today.

Are you afraid you might "wolf out" today?

April showers bring awesome rubber boots

2011-04-11T20:32:00.002-04:00

Having dry feet is cool. Looking like a tiny child is sometimes cool, but not always. Which is why these rubber boots, featuring grown-up heels, are good and nice for wet April days.

On sale
You know what else is good and nice? These Marc Jacobs boots are $340 on sale for $99 CND. They're available at Gravity Pope online and in-store in Euro sizes 38, 40 and 41 (I believe that's sizes 7.5, 9.5 and 10).

What's better: dry feet or crazy good sales?

Breaking news: Tina Fey is pregnant, has a book out, and everyone at The Globe is in love with her

2011-04-10T09:11:00.003-04:00

That's right. Tina Fey's pregnant with her second child. Her new book, Bossypants, is available at Amazon.ca. And the Globe and Mail can't stop gushing over her.

Love. Her. Image via Wikipedia

Leah McLaren devotes her entire column in the Globe to Fey:

"She’s smart, funny and, just like her character, Liz Lemon, on 30 Rock, manages to be both endearingly human and unapologetically in charge."

Rosemary Counter's Globe review of Bossypants reads like a Valentine:

"A more responsible journalist might have passed on this review – conflict of interest, professionalism, blah blah blah – but this one could not. So, in the interest of full disclosure, a confession: This review is more biased than Tina Fey is popular on Emmy night. That, and I think I’m in love with her."

The Globe's also running video of Fey announcing her pregnancy on Oprah. And she shows up in the Globe's Wattage Metre feature (spoiler: she's 60 watts).

Glad that I'm not alone in having a massive girl crush on Tina Fey. But on the other hand, I don't welcome the competition. Also: excited to read her book. Are you?

Lady Gaga to edit that free paper you only read on the subway

2011-04-09T21:47:00.001-04:00

Lady Gaga's going to guest edit Metro newspaper on May 17.

Did you know Metro is published in 20 countries? I did not. So, like, she'll be editing all editions, not just the ones that appear in eight Canadian cities.

According to a Metro statement:

"A vocal supporter of the lesbian, gay and transgendered community, Lady Gaga will focus on equality and individuality in her stint as editor-in-chief for the global edition."

So that's cool. In related news, here are some photos of Lady Gaga:

Image via Wikipedia

Would you rather see, hear or read Gaga?

My dogs are cuter than your dogs: Jarvis edition [PHOTO]

2011-04-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

Jarvis enjoys the outdoors when there is comfy furniture to lounge on. Here he is yawning and smiling in the back yard this aft:

Is there anything better to do outside than yawning and sitting?

Baconation in crisis: Why don't you want a burger made out of bacon?

2011-04-08T21:47:00.001-04:00

I am dismayed, to say the least, by the results of my recent poll:

Really? Given the option of having your burger made out of ground bacon, 66 per cent of you would instead choose beef, bison or even beans?

My outraged disbelief is such that it has driven me to do math. Math.

Italics. Or sentence fragments. Which do you prefer?

You know you want this Lady Gaga lip gloss

2011-04-08T20:20:00.003-04:00

You love Lady Gaga. You love lip gloss. What's not to love about this item?

You can get the Viva Glam Gaga Lipglass in-store or online at M∙A∙C for $17.50 CND. And! All money raised goes to the M∙A∙C AIDS Fund.

Have you ever ordered cosmetics online? (I have not. Yet.)

2 facts about this banana phone

2011-04-07T21:14:00.002-04:00

I'm getting one.
It's going to be awesome.

Pretending a banana is a phone is hilarious and everyone knows it.

You can get one, too, and then we can be banana phone twins! You can get it in-store or online at Urban Outfitters for $20 USD.

Do you think this will make me look more crazy or less crazy than talking hands-free?

Your invitation to (knit) the royal wedding

2011-04-07T20:47:00.002-04:00

No plans for the weekend? Why not knit your own royal wedding?

Yes. This is a real thing.

You can order this fine publication from Amazon.ca for $15.16 CND.

And then! You'll have everything you need to reenact a royal conga line and all your dreams will have come to fruition. Witness:

What dream will you pursue once your knit royal conga line dream is achieved?

Juicer vs. beets [VIDEO]

2011-04-06T20:23:00.001-04:00

A week ago, Daniela asked me what happens when you put beets in a juicer.

I had no answer. But now I do. Behold:

The juicer juices the beets. It results in beet juice. The beet juice can then go in your mouth.

I don't know why this was such a mystery to us.

Next up? Survey says: Juicer vs. ice cream sandwiches.

In the meantime, you can get yourself your very own juicer - just like mine! - at Canadian Tire, in-store or online for $199.99 CND.

Do you juice?

Best sign ever of the day

2011-04-06T19:18:00.001-04:00

I was having a pretty crappy day until I saw this sign:

"Poo tournament"

Then I LOLed.

Have you LOLed today?

Hump day studs

2011-04-06T17:50:00.002-04:00

Hello, pervert.

Sorry if you came here looking for some manner of manly man. Instead, you get stud earrings. And! They are cherry earrings, which may have some double meaning for you in your pervy, pervy mind.

These cheery cherry studs are $12 CND. They're available in-store or online at Aldo.

Also! Did you know we're calling perverts "verts" now?

Searching for the skeleton with the Mona Lisa smile

2011-04-05T20:13:00.004-04:00

Image via Wikipedia
The Globe and Mail reported today:

"Italian researchers have announced a plan to dig up bones in a Florence convent in hopes of identifying the remains of a Renaissance woman long believed to be the model for the Mona Lisa."

If successful, the researchers could confirm the identity of the woman in Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece as Lisa Gherardini, who has long been associated with the painting.

If her tomb is located in the convent via radar and skull fragments are found, the researchers could attempt a facial reconstruction to confirm the match.

Creepy. And also: why bother? I like the mystery. Do you want it solved?

3 reasons I forgive Dare for making the grossest cracker ever

2011-04-04T20:31:00.003-04:00

Breton crackers, manufactured by Dare, have the dubious distinction of being voted "Grossest cracker of all time" in my online poll.

Dare introduced Breton, its flagship cracker brand, in 1983. Sadly, it is available in all 10 provinces.

Even though Breton crackers are super-gross, here are three reasons why Dare is cool:

Dare is a privately-owned, Canadian family business.
Dare is the exclusive supplier of cookies to the Girl Guides of Canada.
Dare also makes Bear Paws. Jen and Natalie have their hands stuck in a box of these suspect snacks constantly lately. So. That's nice for them.

Do you agree with the poll results or do you think there's a grosser cracker out there?

You'll want these sneakers for spring

2011-04-04T17:26:00.001-04:00

Have you ever seen such a cute pair of Converse All Stars?

Super. Adorable. And! On sale.

Regularly $74.99 CAD, they're on sale now for $ 29.99 CAD. Sizes 6, 6.5, 7, 8, 8.5 and 9. You can get them online and in-store at Get Outside.

It could be yours: Pabst Blue Ribbon mirror

2011-04-03T18:25:00.001-04:00

SEE! This on the wall of your living room, bedroom, bathroom or bar and realize the finest in post-hipster decor. Be the envy of friends with this beloved, kitschy piece sure to become a prized heirloom.

READ! This fine item, which sez "Quality Since 1844 - Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer - Pabst Breweries" and features a Victorian laydee framed by lillies. Frame appears to be oak, but I'm no expert here. It be wood, for sure.

HEAR! Your friends giggle when you tell them it's not just the finest in wall hangery, it's also a dubious double entendre. (Pabst mirror. Say it fast. Ew! Awesome. Ahahah.)

DID YOU KNOW? It's hard to take a picture of a mirror.

Pabst Blue Ribbon beer mirror, measures 11" x 14". Order yours today!

Top 5 TV characters to follow on Twitter now

2011-04-03T18:04:00.002-04:00

Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

Kent Brockman, The Simpsons

Betty Draper, Mad Men

Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

Dr. Tobias Funke, Arrested Development

You're on Twitter, right? I'm @JenVillamere on Twitter.

Are you panicked about babies?

2011-04-02T20:07:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading Let's Panic About Babies! and now I feel amply informed and perfectly equipped to have a baby.

I'm expecting...lasers!

I'd write a review for you, but Schmutzie's already written a great one, so why bother? Also: this nice film about the book helps sum it up:

Are you panicked about babies? I kind of am.

The Bay logo: What does it look like to you?

2011-04-02T19:41:00.001-04:00

My American friend Bridget told me that her sister thought the 'B' of The Bay's logo was a 'K' and the store was called 'The Kay.'

Can you see it?

Personally, I think it would be easier to mistake the 'B' for a fancy, cursive 'G.'

What letter do you think it most closely resembles?

Now you'll want these shoes

2011-04-01T20:30:00.008-04:00

Check out these fabulous Fluevogs!

The good news:
They're on sale!

The bad news:
They're only available in sizes 6, 7, 9.5 and 10. If you're one of those sizes, then this is also good news.

You can get these adorable lemon and taupe peep toe sandals with wooden heels in-store or online at Gravity Pope. They were $295 CAD, but they're on sale for $129 CAD. Which is amazing.

Have you ever ordered shoes online? (I have. From Gravity Pope. And it worked out well.)

Parts of a hot dog: Your illustrated guide

2011-04-01T20:00:00.002-04:00

Alyson at drywell creates handsome meat section butchery diagrams, but my fave is this one, entitled "hot dog mystery."

You can find fine drywell products on Etsy. And you can order yourself a signed "hot dog mystery" 5x7 print for $10 USD here.

In related news, folks in Des Moines were treated to a man in a hot dog suit walking a goat down the street today. Photo and details after the jump.

Would you rather eat a hot dog, wear one, or hang one on the wall?

My dogs are cuter than your dogs: Beulah edition [PHOTO]

2011-04-01T19:29:00.002-04:00

Just a gratuitous photo of Beulah. Happy Friday.

I am surprised that no one has challenged my claim that my dogs are cuter than theirs.

Is your dog cuter?

CBC airs back-to-back royal shows tonight

2011-03-31T18:33:00.001-04:00

John Doyle reports in the Globe and Mail:

"Marketing the Monarchy (8 p.m. on CBC) is one of two consecutive docs on the Royal Family on CBC tonight.

This one looks, in an amused rather than shocked manner, at the “worldwide marketing frenzy” which will accompany the upcoming royal wedding. From cheesy dollar-store knick-knacks to $5,000 paperweights, no item is too obscure to be royal-related. Souvenir shops like it all.

Then Chasing the Royals (9 p.m. on CBC) is Montreal filmmaker John Curtin’s look at the intense love-hate relationship between the royals and the press.

It questions the right to privacy and the paparazzi’s right to pursue royal personal exploits. It asks, “What will the future hold for the next generation of royals as they attempt to maintain ‘normalcy’ while living in the public eye?”

Can't wait! Will you be watching these?

What happens when you put beets in a juicer?

2011-03-30T20:52:00.001-04:00

Today, Daniela asked what happens when you put beets in a juicer. She has many juicer-related questions. I have no answers. But I do have a magically powerful juicer and access to beets. And a video camera.

Image via Wikipedia

The juicer vs. beets battle
Video of juicer vs. beets coming soon. Anything else you want me to try to put in the juicer and video for you? Take the poll or leave a comment. I'm juicing this weekend, so lemme know.

In the mean time, enjoy this fine gnome juicer, which is likely no match for a beet. But is still handsome.

Available in-store and online from the Drake General Store, $32 CAD.

Hump day studs for you

2011-03-30T20:05:00.001-04:00

Enjoy these fine stud earrings on the occasion of hump day:

Vintage maple leaf studs with rhinestone detail, $38 CAD online and in-store at the Drake General Store.

From the Erica Weiner Jewelry website:

"Each one of these vintage Maple leaf earrings is punctuated with a rhinestone mounted in a raised claw bezel.

They've been naturally spotted with green, pink, and/or grey oxidization during the years they've been in storage. The effect is a random and totally organic-looking finish that we couldn't have replicated with chemicals or treatments.

Since they're antique (probably manufatured in the 1960s - 70s) we can't be sure what type of metal the posts are, but our hunch is that they're stainless or surgical steel. New 14K gold-plated earring backs have been added."

Is hump day your favourite day for studs?

You're going to need some Arcade Fire now

2011-03-29T21:22:00.002-04:00

Are you the only person who doesn't have that Arcade Fire album yet?

If you don't have The Suburbs yet, you're probably going to need to breakdown and download it.

Despite winning all those Grammys, this album is actually very good. Plus, it won all those Brits and Junos so now you have to get it.

Also: might I suggest it on vinyl? If you're in Hamilton, you can pick it up downtown at Cheapies. Or you can actually order it from Amazon.ca here for $24 CDN.

No record player?
What? Do I have to do everything for you? OK. Get this one from Urban Outfitters. I did and it is nice. See?

Do you have this album yet?

Short Underneath, Long On Top: Is the SULOT haircut making a comeback?

2011-03-28T20:23:00.003-04:00

Win Butler, lead singer of Arcade Fire, rocked a fine SULOT on the Juno Awards last night.

(Photos: Canadian Press)

My Grade 9 boyfriend (now known as my husband) had a prerty sweet SULOT back in the day. Is this style poised for a comeback?

My dogs are cuter than your dogs [PHOTO]

2011-03-28T19:52:00.001-04:00

Jarvis says, "Hugs, not drugs."

Now you'll want this ring

2011-03-27T21:27:00.003-04:00

It features an owl, which is nice. I particularly like the rhinestone eyes. And the antiqued goldtone. Also: the textured metal feathers.

The #1 best part
It's $10 CDN.

Available in-store and online at Aldo.

My dogs are cuter than your dogs [VIDEO]

2011-03-27T16:15:00.002-04:00

Cuteness alert: Puppy grooming another puppy.

Beulah loves Jarvis. Lick, lick, lick!

Over 29? Feeling old? That's normal.

2011-03-26T17:39:00.006-04:00

From the Daily Mail:

"Women consider themselves old at 29 – half the age of men who don’t feel over the hill until they are 58, according to a study.

A quarter of women say they felt old as soon as they spotted their first grey hairs."

From Gawker, regarding the results of the same study, which was conducted by Avalon Funeral Plans:

"Things that make the female half of the population feel over-the-hill include gray hairs, sagging skin, ceasing to feel "trendy and fashionable," and "behaving like their mother."

On the other hand, a full two-thirds of their male counterparts cited decreased sexual performance as the real litmus test. (Another 22 percent admitted they felt past their prime when they started feeling annoyed by loud music in bars)."

Image by Black Country Museums via Flickr

Shit. I'm having a pot of tea
while I write this.

3 reasons to feel old

I can't remember the last time I was in a bar that was playing loud music, but the last time I went to a concert, I brought ear plugs.
I do detect a few gray hairs and I suspect I would see more if my eye sight was what it used to be.
I don't know that I behave like my mother, but I certainly sound like her when I sigh. Which is often.

Are you feeling like an old laydee these days?

TLC has a bonanza of royal wedding guilty pleasures for you

2011-03-26T12:18:00.004-04:00

Image by Getty Images via @daylifeTLC's going crazy for the royal wedding, starting with William & Kate: Inside the Royal Wedding, a special that promises an in-depth look at the wedding plans. Set your PVR for tomorrow night, that's March 27, at 10pm ET/PT.

Royal Wedding Week
TLC's full-blown Royal Wedding Week starts April 24 with specials featuring "archived and exclusive footage of the Royal family, interviews with members of the Royal family, and those who have been part of notable Royal events across the decades," according to the TLC Discovery Blog.

More guilty pleasures
They're also airing shows that week that are a delightful glut of guilty pleasures, including:

Charles and Di: Once Upon a Time (Sunday, April 24 at 7 pm ET/PT)
Untold Stories of a Royal Bridesmaid (Sunday, April 24 at 9pm ET/PT)
Wild About Prince Harry (Monday, April 25 at 10pm ET/PT)

You'll want these sunglasses now

2011-03-26T11:39:00.005-04:00

Shywood Canby sunglasses

Clalssic wayfarer-shaped sunglasses made from zebrawood. (Not just any zebrawood, but "sustainably-harvested wood, sourced from authorized and supervised plantations in different African countries," according to the website.)

$98 US, ships to Canada.

Is $98 US too much to spend on sunnies?