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Monday, May 11, 2015

Your real horoscope: May 11-17

ARIES (March 21 - April 20): 
Surprise the shit out of your bae this week. Not literally. Hopefully. In a romantic way.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
Stop fucking around reading the internet. You’ve got to get shit done.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
That free lunch is expensive. But also delicious? Question mark?

CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
Get all those chain letters sent out, or like, instead do a bunch of Girl Scout good deeds and then chill back and reap the sweet, sweet karma.

LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23): You’re trying too hard but keep trying. Here’s your jam for the week:

VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Your instincts are right: They're really going to hate it if you do that. But whatevs, do it anyway.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
A problem shared is a problem doubled. Confessing won't necessarily rid you of guilt. (Unless it's a murder. If it's a murder, Libra, go confess right away. Seriously. Do I have to tell you everything?)

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
You're forever alone. Be thankful. L'enfer, c'est les autres. 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
Throw your life into autopilot and coast all week.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): 
Shrug your shoulders so hard that people stop leaning on them, at least for the week.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
Hook. Up. Get yourself a partner for boning purposes. Get yourself a partner for business purposes. Get yourself a partner for drinking purposes. Make some connections.

PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
"Dance all night, play all day. Don't let nothing get in the way."