Friday, September 23, 2011

Congratulations! You're having a Goldfish cracker.

Goldfish CrackersI can't say I'm surprised. Image by Crowbeak.Sasquatch via FlickrI don't want to tell people I'm pregnant before my first ultrasound because I don't want to tempt fate.

Even though I've taken, like, three pregnancy tests plus my doctor said I was for sure pregnant, you can never be too sure.

At the ultrasound, they could tell you that your guts are all full of amniotic fluid and pregnancy hormone but there's just a bunch of cysts and. No baby.

Your body's faking pregnancy.

Sucker.

Also: they could reveal that there is a baby in the fluid-filled fetal sac, but it's ectopic and now you are both going to explode and die.

There are all kinds of shitty scenarios that could come to light at the first ultrasound which could result in you having to turn around and revoke your pregnancy announcement and then people will think you're sterile and/or that you were just looking for attention.

And that you're an even bigger weirdo than they thought.

I'm afraid that they're going to tell me that my pregnancy is progressing quite nicely, that I'm pukey all day cause my hormones are totally kicking ass and they've helped me build one hell of a placenta, my boobs constantly feel like they've just been punched because my body's naturally preparing to nurture my offspring, and that the amniotic fluid surrounds the all-important baby.

But it is a baby goldfish.

And I look up on the monitor to see the ultrasound picture, and there it all is, my uterus, the sac, the fluids and shit, and then just a goldfish cracker.

And I say "Mmm. Looks tastee."

My husband's there, too. And the drive home is awkward.
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Thursday, September 22, 2011

I'm not ignoring you.

I'm pregnant.

Don't worry. I won't bore you with the details. Very often.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hump day studs: Shoot 'em up edition

Hey pervert,

I see you've come here seeking studs on hump day.

But what I've got for you instead is, like, 10 times more friggin' awesome!


What the eff are those, you ask?
Well, let me explain to my non-redneck friends that those are stud earrings à la Winchester 38 Special bullet casings.

The casings are genuine brass, which makes 'em klassy.

Genuine Winchester 38 Special brass bullet casing stud earrings, $17.50 USD, available on Etsy.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hump Day studs: Luxury edition

Hey perv,

What's better than a cool, rich stud?

Yes, that's right: A pair of cool, rich studs.

Stirling silver and turquoise Elsa Peretti® Cabochon by the Yard earrings, $480 CND in-store or online at Tiffany and Co.

Did you know that if you do a Google Image search for the term "cool rich stud," you get a picture of this guy?
Seriously.

Who do you think of when you think of "cool, rich stud?" Nicolas Cage, right?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Now you'll want this hoodie dress

OK, technically, it's a tunic but I'm short so it practically drags on the floor behind me and totally qualifies as a dress.

You can do so much with cozy garment:
  • Sleep in it
  • Wear it to work
  • Sleep in it and then wear it to work
  • Throw on some aviators, put up the hood, and then skulk around Unabomber-style
  • Nap in it
 Erica Slouch Hooded Tunic, $88 CND, online or in-store at Roots.


Does your place of employment allow you to wear sweat pants to work? (And if so, are they hiring?)
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